lost


i just feel lost
i’m not sure what i’m supposed to do
and i have no one to ask
i feel alone
with my confusion
how am i supposed to feel?
should i just except this is the way things are and are always going to be?
am i okay with that?
do i want more?
am i really happy?
i guess i have to figure out what i want
and what i’m willing to give up for it.
how do i figure out what i want?
maybe i should start with what i need.
but i don’t know what that is either.
now i’m back at square one. 
i’m lost. 
what makes me happy?
how can i not know what makes me happy?
maybe i don’t even know what happy feels like?
have i actually ever experienced happiness before?
i can’t remember.
my memories are clouded by confusion.dread. 
lost in a place of the unknown.
what is the point of this?
what am i trying to find?

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Dreams


Dreams are so weird.

I mean, what do they really mean?

Do they mean anything?

When I try to forget,

Why do they insist on reminding me?

I have so many questions,

but dreams, they never answer any,

only create more.

Places and faces all jumbled up.

Are you helping me process something?

Is that what my confusion looks like?

Can I trust you?

Sometimes it feels safe here.

Other times, it can scare the shit out of me.

But I keep coming back, why?

Why do I remember you?

How is that my problem


How is that my problem?

A simple question, you assume.

Only, I thought we were in this together.

A relationship is a two way street,

Or is it?

Have I been misled all this years?

I hate that when you’re hungry it’s my problem.

But if it’s anything with me…

Then, how is it your problem…

 

I’m so conflicted.

I mean when you weren’t here

Everyday you said, I wish there was more I could do to help..

But now, when I need you

When I could use your help.

It isn’t your problem.

 

What am I supposed to do with this?

Am I completely crazy to think that you would want to be there for me?

 

I just keep quiet.

I keep my thoughts and doubts to myself

What good will they do.

They only lead to me not having you.

But then again,

 

How is that your problem?

 

Why is this so hard?

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Why is this so hard?
I’m always drowning
always suffocating
but i have to keep fighting
I’m so tired of fighting.

I can’t even cry anymore
I have no more tears.
Everything hurts
Why should I keep breathing,
When it hurts to breathe?

I try to think of everyone else
Try to remind myself ,
They might need me too.
But I’m so tired,
And no one knows what it’s like.

I whisper

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I don’t think I remember how

Maybe, I’m just a little scared

That I won’t be able to.

 

I know it’s still there

Somewhere deep inside me

Quietly asking to be let out.

 

The problem is,

Experience has taught me

They are never just words

 

They are little pieces of my soul

Reflections of where I’ve been

Images of what I have become.

 

I guess over the years

I’ve becomes a lot more protective

I won’t let people see me.

 


I want to keep it for myself.

Bury the joy, sorrow, and pain

I’m not ready to share myself.

 


For a long time,

it was my only voice

But I don’t need a voice anymore.

 

At least that’s what I tell myself

But when writing is a part of you,

Can you ever shut it off?

IT


I’m scared.

I know it’s there, it’s always there.

It’s everywhere.

It’s real.

It’s big and small.

And hot and cold.

It’s so heavy, it suffocates.

Like a knife, it penetrates.

I try to run, but there’s nowhere to hide.

It’s right here, right inside.

I try to see, but it blocks my sight.

With all my strength, I try to fight.

I lay awake

and hope and dream

but it’s not going away,

It’s here to stay.

Come back to write


I knock on the door

oh, so slowly

Do I really want to let myself back into this world?

I need it.

The voice.

The words are still there

It’s my choice.

Do I let my soul cry out through the page?

Should i drown my sorrows in the prose?

It has been so long,

Will the lyric reveal itself?

I just hold the pen,

I close my eyes,

The words inside

begin to dive,

Straight to the page,

My heart. My life.

I write.

They are hot as they fall


 

They are hot as they fall

They betray me as they call

I know I have faith

But I don’t want to have the strength

My heart breaks with every drop

Everything feels like a flop

It’s not important

Doesn’t serve the greater good

Only special to me

I want to let it go

But I can’t.

I know what i believe

But I doubt

All the things that have passed

All the things that went right

How could it not be a part of the plan?

How could this not be in his plan?

Why do I want it so much?

I cannot see any growth or gain from it

But my heart will not let it be

My heart may be the most deceptive

But my mind is in agreement this time

Is it true:

Am I not thinking clearly?

Is my choice to believe a vain child’s fantasy?

Has all my faith being wrongly placed?

Was it always just meant to be a dream?

They get hotter as they fall

Anger, pain mixed with disappointment

And a familiar voice tells me to be patient and not to give up

And I am again reminded of all the things

All the little miracles that fell perfectly into place

I want to be happy, to express my joy

But I also want to be sad, express the hurt

Do I accept this?

Or do I continue believing?

Knowing that my blessing knows my name.

But it isn’t important

Doesn’t serve the greater good

Only special to me.

How do I answer all the questions?

How do I face all the faces?

No one can erase all these traces

Of the belief and all the hope filled spaces.

They are still hot while they drop

I think I should go get a mop

I Long to write

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I have the emotions and the feelings
I am surrounded by the experiences
I miss the way the words flow out
How the seem to find each other
How they rhyme and blend
Like raindrops with rhythm as they hit the page

I miss the uncertainty
The suspense…
Watching the sentences form in my mind and fill a page
Like a wild-fire starting up slow and gaining confidence
Moving further and engulfing everything in its flames
I need to let out the words
Ignite this page with my inspired thoughts

I want to spend myself in the sport
Let my mind run wild
Race though all the faces and characters
Fall in love with new plots
Spoil myself in imagination
Breathe new life to new stories

My palms itch as they sweat
Excitement creeps through my veins
I can feel it…
Hear them come….

Beautiful.
Complete.
Mine.

I write